A week, another week…

I am meant to be enjoying the long Victoria Day weekend today. Instead I am at work, my day off comes next week instead. I don’t know why I seem to need a day off so badly, but I do. Truly, there is nothing that I can complain about…I am well compensated for what I do, it isn’t boring, it’s a good position. However, I am at that strange point of “waiting” for things to be done before I can do my job, and this is not a state I can exist in easily. It’s like being in the lineup for a really good rollercoaster…you know you have to go through the line to get to the good stuff, but because you are in the line, you are missing out on ring-toss, and cotton candy. Maybe I’m too hard on myself. I mean, the waiting is legitimate, I am not procrastinating. But still I worry that my boss is going to look at me and say “Ah ha! You aren’t working hard enough, I always knew you were a faker!” and chuck me out into layoff territory…again. I am so worried about that happening, I can almost think of nothing else. I just know how good this job makes me feel, and how well I want to do for the company, and because I can’t give it my all right now (because of circumstances outside of my control) I feel like a big fat deadweight who doesn’t deserve the opportunity.

I’ve started eating junk food again. Big Mac’s primarily. I can’t seem to stop. My exercise routine has dwindled. After religiously going three times a week, I went only once last week.

I also went to see a house on Sunday…I saw it in the paper as an open house. I wanted it so badly. It was the closest to perfect we have seen yet. MB said we could put in an offer, but something just nagged at me. I knew he was saying we’d put in an offer because he knew I liked it so much and wanted to make me happy. No workshop, no useable basement, which are his firm qualifications, but he wanted to make me happy. I told him not to go ahead with it, which was really hard. I blamed him a little for the whole situation. I am quite happy in a house with many fewer qualifications. The whole thing seems impossible. I don’t want to look at another house, I’m just too sensitive to the whole thing.

So, I threw myself into renovations. I worked all weekend…I put down a lawn, weeded the garden, raked and emptied old flower boxes, painted the trim in the bathroom, put on a second coat, cleaned the office, cleaned the kitchen. When I peeled the tape off of the trim in the bathroom and saw that the white of the trim had bled all over the blue of the walls I almost cried of sheer frustration. Nothing I do is any good. Nothing is perfect. Everything I do is practically a waste of time, which needs to be done by someone more competent.

On Friday, MB bought wine and cheese for us. I thought it was going to be so nice. But he sort of threw them onto plates and gave me a stack of triskets. I know that the thought was there, I do…but I am so beyond it right now, that I don’t think anything is good enough. I should just be grateful for what he was trying to accomplish, but when I heard “wine and cheese” I thought soft music, candlelight, napkins. Are napkins too much to ask?? Am I just heartless?? MB and I have had arguments before about this…I am a very tactile person, I appreciate not only the effort to provide the treat, but the presentation. But I’ve learnt to expect less now. For me, if I am cooking a special dinner there will be linens, appetizer, entrée AND dessert with wine matches. For him, a fancy dinner is pork chops. That’s it. Pork chops.

I was watching tv last night and saw an ad for anti-depressants and something inside me resonated for a moment. Is this what is wrong with me? I can’t be depressed, can I? What on earth do I (a girl who seems to have EVERYTHING) have to be depressed about?