Barlet Starlet's Life Less Ordinary

Barlet Starlet provides a strange combination of humour, cynicism and moxy, with a healthy dash of gosh-darn it mentality and romantic idealism. Stir. Pour.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Whubba-whubba-whubba-whubba

...and hence, that noise has marked the beginning / end of the rest of our lives.

We have a heartbeat!

Rereading my last post, I realize it came across as quite negative, and that's not what I wanted to come across. I think "shock", "disbelief", "extreme excitement" and my favourite "pure, gut-wrenching terror" actually combined to form a quite depressing little post about the baba, aka. the nugget of impending doom.

I do love this though. I really, really do!

I haven't had any morning sickness, touch wood, and nothing to complain about except massive boobs. MH does not have the same complaint.

I'm due on August 11th, have secured an OB, am planning to renovate the living room, family room, walk in closets, bathroom and, oh yeah, the nursery, before the blessed event. What could be better than a 6 month pregnant lady tiling a floor? Nothing I say!

I am woman! I can do anything!! Except tell my boss!!!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

*in a sing song voice* I'm TERR-IFIED!

K, so I haven't written in a while. Nothing interesting of any note, trust me.

Then, horror of blessed horrors, I find out that I'm preggo.

Knocked up.

Damaged goods.

Tin roof. Rusted.

It's GOOD! It really is good, but damn, I don't think I'm ready. I mean, I'm ready, but I'll never really be ready, right?

So I sit here, almost 8 weeks gone. Terrified. Scared pooh-less.

MH is so very, very supportive. He thinks it's soon too, but hey, we're married, it will never ever be the best time to do this, there will always be something. He has barely let me out of his sight since I told him, two weeks ago. We told all of the various parents on Christmas Eve and Day, to various amounts of success. Mum was thrilled, wailing like a Jewish bubbie in the kitchen. Dad and Step-Mum were less so, but attempted to look happy. MIL and FIL were thrilled but less than we thought they would be, as they had been pushing us since the hour after our wedding to have kids.

So, that's it in a nutshell. I'm happy, pukey, and general shit-scared. Good times.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

You Tube Late Night Thoughts

OK, so not really late night, as I'm still on Pacific Time, and it's actually only 9pm here (12pm midnight back home) but hell, I'm trapped in a hotel room watching You Tube. Yeah, last night I said I'd got to the end of the internet and guess what? I found You Tube! Now I have at least three more hours of internet based entertainment.

I can't help but feel a) empowered and similtaneously b) saddened by the videos I've been watching. Some are so powerful you just feel like weeping. Some, well, damn they are funny. Regardless, I feel inspired and want to buy a video camera!

Friday, October 20, 2006

Away from home

Sitting in a hotel room in Victoria, BC. I always thought that travelling for work would be fun, and to an extent, it is. It's the work part that ain't so rosy. It would be very different if I was with coworkers, but I'm not. I was sent all by my lonesome, while 10 coworkers are yukking it up in Alberta. Every hour or so I get a message or email, saying "We MISS you! We're having SO much FUN!" and worst of all "wish you were here!!". Fab that they think of me that way. Boo that I'm in Victoria.

Hotel rooms are fun / not fun too. You come back to a tidy room, fresh sheets, and the prospect of room service. Sounds great in theory. Then you realize that you have no-one to come home to, no regular comforts (it's hard to get something as simple as a bottle of water or soda), no cats to snuggle with, and no real distractions except TV and internet. I believe I found the end of the internet last night...it really is full of crap, it's true.

I do love how being away from MH makes me feel. I feel much more grateful for what I have, and long to be back with him. It makes me feel good about us, and it's been a while since I've felt that "yes, this is the guy I long for". I love him so much, but sometimes you need a bit of distance to bring that into perspective.

I have to go through tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday before I come home. It's going to be tough, but I'm hoping that it will help us, in the long term.

Things haven't been 100% smooth over the past month or so. I feel so overworked that I simply can't relax at home. MH has responded by being curt and acting like I'm hurting him, because I have to work at home sometimes. I respond to that badly! It's been a bit of a vicious circle. I feel that he is not helping out around the house enough, as I have so much to deal with at work, then I have to come home and do dishes, laundry, clean litter boxes, and generally tidy while he watches tv. But this is his way of exerting control (not that he'd admit it). We had a bit of a blow up the other day because he insisted I hadn't informed him about something, when I had. Several times. The particulars of the conversation that did / did not happen are not relevent...it is the way he reacts in these situations that is. He can't be wrong. But he was. Therein lies the rub. I also can't stand to be wrong, but in this instance, I was 100% right. And he treated me like I was some sort of delusional, idiotic crazy person. THAT, I won't stand for. But I walked away, because I know these things never turn out in my favour. Then he accused me of losing something unimportant, because, since I control all of the paper in our house (by default), and I am his personal assistant, I must be incompetant as well as crazy. That drives me nutso. Trust me, I hate being his filing cabinet / scheduler / personal assistant / banking agent / diary etc, but if I don't do it, the gas gets shut off from failure to pay, and his mother stops talking with us because he forgot her birthday. Anyway, to say that one piece of paper has gone missing in almost five years of our relationship...I'd say I'm pretty damn good at my "job". But now I'm incompetant.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I need this time. I need to find the "need" for MH. And sleeping 5000 miles away may just give me that. So this whole thing is a blessing, and very much a curse.

Now, I'm going to go and have my cheese plate. It may be a curse to be in a hotel, but it does have some random perks!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

"Let's start over"

...one person said to the other, extending their hand as if for the first time, although it most certainly was not. She wanted to begin afresh, and so she began.

"My name is Barlet. I'm 29 years old and live in Pickering Ontario. I spend much of my time worrying about my appearance, working too hard, and waxing philosophical. I have a lot of acquaintances, and hardly any good friends. I wanted to be a ballerina when I grew up, and when I did grow up I had grown too much (outwards). As a result I have a fantastic rack, but no ballet career. I don't believe in religion, but I am spiritual. My biggest peeve is when someone tells me I am wrong, but I am not. It makes me feel small and uneducated, even though I hold a Masters with Honours from the number 3 University in the UK. It plays upon how I feel about myself, deep down, and I dislike that too. I am in charge of all of the money, paper, bills, and scheduling for my "family" which is exhausting at times. My family consists of MH, my husband, and our two cats. I love my husband very much, and am very happy. While I am a happy person by nature, I am also very emotional and am prone to crying. This makes things awkward, especially during performance appraisal time at work. But I have gotten better. I am / was terminally shy, which people told me comes off as snotty and aloof. I am not snotty, nor aloof. I am scared of you. I don't know why that is, it just is. Over time, I have gotten better, but I still cannot look people in the eye when I enter somewhere like a work cafeteria. I don't know why. I stare straight ahead as if focused on my task. People used to tell me to smile a lot. Strangers in the street would tell me. I thought I'd look a bit bizarre walking around with a grin, so I do not smile, but I do turn the corners of my mouth up when I walk around, to prevent the appearance of unhappiness. Although I am happy. Ironic. People also used to say that I had the bluest eyes they've ever seen. They do not say that anymore. Typing that last sentence made me sad. I work for a large company, that publishes books. It is a great job, and while I am extremely happy, I also work damn hard. This puts a strain on my relationship with MH, especially recently, as he does not feel the same level of commitment to his own job. I love to scrapbook in my spare time, but I feel a lack of creativity sometimes. I feel as if I am a different person than the person I was at 16, at 18, at 21. This is a blessing and a curse. I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and think "what happened to the girl who used to write poetry?". I try and work out quite a bit, but it never really happens. Something always comes up. I love to eat. I am a good weight for my height, and I have always been a very healthy person in general, despite what I eat. If I could eat one food for the rest of my life, it would probably be a Big Mac. Or cake, because cake spans so many different varieties, I'd never get bored. The only bone I've ever broken wasn't really a bone, it was my nose. I've never been anorexic, depressed (to my knowledge), or have done anything detrimental to myself except eat Big Macs and drink to excess on occasion. I have smoked one cigarette (to prove a point to someone...the point was missed by that someone) and have never done drugs. I still have a teddy bear from my childhood that sits on my shelf, and I felt guilty that I bought one just like him in mint condition from eBay. I felt it insulted him. I sometimes think I'm mentally ill. I have a bad habit of "racing" cars going the opposite direction to the light poles in the middle of the highway. I don't accelerate, I just see who will get there first. It is a little too OCD for my liking. I have very few "things", certainly in comparison to others. There is very little that I "must" do, eat, see, touch, not do, not eat, not seem not touch, during my daily life. I cannot understand high maintenance people. I don't like having polish on my fingernails, although if I do, I stare at them all day. I then feel very grown up. I am terminally unfashionable, and wish I could just let loose and buy something fabulous, but I can't. I want lots of children, but I'm scared to start. I don't talk about huge life issues with MH. We had never spoken once about marriage until he got down on one knee. Perhaps we will not talk about children until I see the plus sign on a plastic stick. MH frustrates me at times, at I think he can be overly confident to the point of arrogance. But I say nothing because I know he is overcompensating. He is a very self conscious person, and has low self-esteem. I sometimes think I have low self esteem, but then I'll look at myself occasionally and say "Damn, I'm ridiculously good looking". The moment then passes. People find me attractive, which I think is hilarious. I miss my grandparents and wish I couldn't have known them better. I cry at their graves. I hope they are proud of me. My mother and I have come to an understanding, but she doesn't know it. I have decided that her life is hers, and I will no longer worry for her. I feel like a mother to her, which makes me sad. I have a problem with other women not liking me. The best explanation I have received of this was from good friends of mine, female and male. They say that other women are jealous of me because I have a great job, make great money, have a nice house, a handsome husband, and am pretty. I like that explanation, true or not. But it still hurts when women turn on me, for no reason. There seems to be a contest as to who can bring me down, and while no one has won yet, they are trying very hard. I have lots of very good friends from my childhood and we are still very much in touch, even though we don't see each other very often. I miss them. I don't understand why I haven't met anyone as a friend (except MH) who likes me for who I am. I think I am a nice person, and I like myself. I am very kind to animals, and I appreciate all life. I have a complete intolerance for racism, sexism, creedism, and jerks. I especially find it horrible that people cannot tolerate gay people. Shouldn't we all just let love happen? I swear a lot, and people find that amusing. I find myself amusing, in a good and bad way. I laugh at myself a lot, but sometimes I laugh at my own jokes, which I suppose is a little immodest. I am immodest. Externally I act nonchalant about praise, but inside I am much more confident about my abilities. I do not speak any other languages except English, although I studied French and Spanish. I went to a private school, which I hated. I have posed naked, and acted on stage topless. I have taken stripper lessons and loved it. I often think it would be easy to streak a ballgame, strip on stage, or walk down the street naked, but since I've never done any of it, it is obviously not easy for me. I have an overly developed sense of law and justice. I must have fairness is all that is around me, and despise unfairness. I believe fully in karma, and have stored up much in the Buddha bank. I am extremely law abiding. I have two passports, but one is expired. I went through a phase as a teenager where I loved fish, and have many, many fish related items. I have one tattoo on my ankle of a starfish, which I love even 5 years later. I would like another at some point. I fear that my marriage to MH won't last, but then I am newly committed to making it work. I drive an SUV which work pays for, but I pay the taxes on it. I love it, which makes me feel eco-guilty. My favourite holiday is Christmas, and season is Fall. I would love to be Martha Stewart. I've always wanted to see Japan, and live near the ocean. My favourite place I've visited was Assateague Island, where I watched wild horses run on the beach. My least favourite place is either Blackpool or my ex's apartment. I've cheated numerous times on my boyfriends, but never on my MH. The worst thing I ever did was carry on two serious relationships simultaneously. I never felt guilty, which makes me feel guilty. I had a strange preoccupation with Disney when I was a young teenager, especially Alice in Wonderland. I collect Alice books, and still look out for them when I go to antique markets. I lost my virginity at 16 to a boyfriend of 6 months. I cried afterwards because I realized you could never go back. I have a scar on my chin where I put my teeth through after falling off my chair. I have lots of small chicken pox scars on my body, and white scars on my ankles from a flea infestation we had in the house when I was a child. I listen to the news voraciously. I hate speaking on the phone and prefer the medium of email. I watch way too much TV, and have since I was a little girl. I’m just not that into sex, and don’t know why. My most prized possession is a picture that was given to me by an ex. The only unfortunate thing about it is that it was given to me by an ex. I hope one day to go to Japan, and I really hope I get a culture shock. I am ashamed of the world sometimes and want to kick its butt. But I must start with my own. I worry about getting breast cancer, and I worry about how long I have with my parents. I am the oldest of five children, and that’s ok with me, even though I always wanted an older brother to take care of me. I’ve always wanted to marry someone with a last name that you can shorten to one letter, like on television. I’ve always wanted to be “Mrs. P”, but it didn’t work out. My maiden name is very rare, and there are only a few of us worldwide. I love my family, but sometimes I don’t like them very much. I think I missed out of much when I was a child, compared to one of my siblings. Life has been a comfortable struggle for me. I’m quite smart, although I was an average student. I love to write and wish I’d get my act together and write what I need to put down. I sometimes wonder where all of my beloved possessions from childhood went…are they in a dump, decomposing somewhere? Do they realize how much I loved those things? I often wonder where my ex’s are now, and secretly wish they are thinking of me too. I’ve said “I love you” to many boyfriends, but I didn’t know what the words meant. I know someone who has a crush on me, but never admitted it. I contribute to a few chat boards, and like being heard. I would have liked to go into politics but there is too much dirt on me. I dance really well for an amateur. I am my family’s glue. That last statement probably isn’t true. I aspire to greatness. I am still convinced I’ll win something one day. I am a good person”

Pleased to meet you.

Monday, June 05, 2006

TMI

So, I'm now officially "off the pill" and no, not for the real reason one would decide to go off it. I am fed up of being messed around hormonally. I've begun to really *feel* a difference in my body, like I am moving the wheel around on a car, but I'm actually on some form of rail...it doesn't matter where I steer, because my body is on auto-pilot because of the pills.

I feel out of control of myself, unable to quite manage myself 100%. If this was any more pronounced, I may even say that I feel like a split personality, that there are simply two of me in here, both out of control to varying degrees.

So, I'm off. Other methods of birth control don't exactly appeal, but we'll have to make do. No little Barlets running around in the near future!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Tick-Tock

I've developed a twitch (or tick) in my left hand. ANNOYING! These things usually develop for me after a bout with stress, when I am back in recovery mode. I think that my muscles get so tight for so long when stressed, that as soon as I start to relax a tiny bit, either my eye or my hand gets a mind of its own. It's like coming down with a cold the second you get on holiday...one moment of letting go and your body lets go completely.

The business I am in is extremely cyclical. Summers are dead quiet, Septembers are murder, end of year (as with every business with a bottom line) is hellish. And May is, well, just brutal. So I am glad to see the end of it, and my hand twitching at least spells a winding down towards summer.

The whole summer is now stretched out in front of me...hopefully a series of days and weekends of sun, languidity and softball, maybe a theme park or two, and lots of walking. Sounds like heaven. MH and I always promise to spend more of the summer out and about, so I hope this summer is less like the last (promising but never coming through with our outdoorsy committments). My brother arrives in late August (yesterdays most extravagant purchase...a plane ticket for his b-day) and I look forward to the planning of that too...to share some of Canada with him by himself. More on this later.

So, tick (literally) tock, time passes, and days get longer. 29 degrees promised for Sunday. I just hope it all follows through.
 
Is my Blog HOT or NOT?

«xBlogxPhilesx»

http://ping.blo.gs/?name=Barlet Starlet's Life Less Ordinary&url=http://barletstarlet.blogspot.com/.