The downside of anger...
Not sure if I've blogged about this before, but it seems to be a recurring theme in my life, so maybe a second blog is worth the effort.
I went to a psychic once. I am not really that way inclined, and my beliefs are a little up in the air as to that sort of stuff, but my friend dared me so I went. He was an interesting little man, and I felt similtaneously that I was being had, AND that I was staring at the only person in the world who could really determine my karmic worth. It was a real "what is my mettle" type of moment.
He told me several things, only some of which stick in my mind (which is , in my skeptic opinion, a way that psychics work...they get you to remember the stuff that APPLIES to you, not the other way around, so you leave convinced that it's all true). What stuck in my mind the most was this: I was destined to be tested, constantly and without warrant. He said that people surround me who wish me ill. Not just people right now, but that there would always be someone in my future, waiting to bring me down. He told me that I was a shining star, and if there is one thing about a shining star it is that it brings out the best and worst in people...and that there will always be someone whose LIFE GOAL, whose karmic reason for being, is to pluck the shining star from the sky.
Something about that stuck. Not only that I was (in his opinion) a shining star in life, but that there were people made / created / that come about, with the specific life goal to take me down.
Then I think back at the frigging trials I have had all through life. How seemingly EASY it is for me to make enemies. Not just any enemy either, oh no...I make enemy-to-the-grave, bind-your-powers, ruin-your-life type enemies. People that I seem to have done SO WRONG that they make it a mission to blight my existance. Bull, you say? Exaggeration? Maybe a little for dramatic effect, but not much.
The girl when I left college: I asked the advice of mutual friends of ours, when her boyfriend tried to hit on me when he dropped me off at home one night. Should I tell her? The answer was no. They told her anyway, and she proceeded to ruin my reputation amongst mutual friends and the whole bloody town. Result: I'm a tramp, friendless and alone. The unfairness of it all.
The boss: Being asked to limit my bathroom breaks, not take lunch, get no benefits, no pay-raise, asked to run an entire business on my own, put up with her pregnancy bullshit, shut up and take it. When I found a better job and gave my two weeks notice, she flipped, went mental and didn't pay me for my final week. Ensured that my name was mud in the industry. I had to take her to court to get my final pay check.
The work-mate: After being partnered with a girl in a marketing class, and being stood up by her umpteen times when we were meant to partner to do a group project, I finally wrote the damn thing myself and submitted it as a solo project. She flips out, demands credit on the paper with zero work (actually, minus work because she took up my work time while I was waiting for her to show up), and gets it. Cusses me out and makes the entire class think I'm some sort of prima-donna bitch. Bonus points for irony: I joined the after work classes to try and make more friends.
The second boss: Simply decided that I needed to be taken down. No reason. She joked about me, my personal life, micro-managed me (when I was the person in least need of micromanagement) and generally put me down at any available opportunity. Luckily, she was fired after 2 years of hell.
Coordinator: Decided in November that MF and I were too big for our britches (for no reason). Decides to start badmouthing us around town. I still cannot fathom how this came about. When she completely drops the ball the week of our wedding (i.e. missing our wedding rehearsal, messing up practically everything) I call her on it. Instead she turns the tables and says that WE were a nightmare and we were lucky she didn't leave us high and dry...and everyone believes her. So, we are out a couple of thousand, and we're the bad guys. Nice.
The end result of this is just a huge big ball of anger in me. I feel that it is all so unfair. Even more unfair is that, the more you talk about it, the more people start to believe that YES, I am a bitch and deserve everything I get. I can only say so many times "I'm NICE, I'm a NICE person...I care about people and treat them with respect and try, every day to be fair and non-judgemental". But people are so apt to toss off my own defence, because face it, if you are defending yourself, you've been accused of something, right?
Rebuilding reputations is impossible. It just takes time. But my desire to defend myself is so strong when I've been wronged. But you just have to take it and shrug it off right? I just have to wait for people to believe me.
While I may not believe in psychics, however, I do believe in karma. So let's hope I have enough in the bank to last me through...
I went to a psychic once. I am not really that way inclined, and my beliefs are a little up in the air as to that sort of stuff, but my friend dared me so I went. He was an interesting little man, and I felt similtaneously that I was being had, AND that I was staring at the only person in the world who could really determine my karmic worth. It was a real "what is my mettle" type of moment.
He told me several things, only some of which stick in my mind (which is , in my skeptic opinion, a way that psychics work...they get you to remember the stuff that APPLIES to you, not the other way around, so you leave convinced that it's all true). What stuck in my mind the most was this: I was destined to be tested, constantly and without warrant. He said that people surround me who wish me ill. Not just people right now, but that there would always be someone in my future, waiting to bring me down. He told me that I was a shining star, and if there is one thing about a shining star it is that it brings out the best and worst in people...and that there will always be someone whose LIFE GOAL, whose karmic reason for being, is to pluck the shining star from the sky.
Something about that stuck. Not only that I was (in his opinion) a shining star in life, but that there were people made / created / that come about, with the specific life goal to take me down.
Then I think back at the frigging trials I have had all through life. How seemingly EASY it is for me to make enemies. Not just any enemy either, oh no...I make enemy-to-the-grave, bind-your-powers, ruin-your-life type enemies. People that I seem to have done SO WRONG that they make it a mission to blight my existance. Bull, you say? Exaggeration? Maybe a little for dramatic effect, but not much.
The girl when I left college: I asked the advice of mutual friends of ours, when her boyfriend tried to hit on me when he dropped me off at home one night. Should I tell her? The answer was no. They told her anyway, and she proceeded to ruin my reputation amongst mutual friends and the whole bloody town. Result: I'm a tramp, friendless and alone. The unfairness of it all.
The boss: Being asked to limit my bathroom breaks, not take lunch, get no benefits, no pay-raise, asked to run an entire business on my own, put up with her pregnancy bullshit, shut up and take it. When I found a better job and gave my two weeks notice, she flipped, went mental and didn't pay me for my final week. Ensured that my name was mud in the industry. I had to take her to court to get my final pay check.
The work-mate: After being partnered with a girl in a marketing class, and being stood up by her umpteen times when we were meant to partner to do a group project, I finally wrote the damn thing myself and submitted it as a solo project. She flips out, demands credit on the paper with zero work (actually, minus work because she took up my work time while I was waiting for her to show up), and gets it. Cusses me out and makes the entire class think I'm some sort of prima-donna bitch. Bonus points for irony: I joined the after work classes to try and make more friends.
The second boss: Simply decided that I needed to be taken down. No reason. She joked about me, my personal life, micro-managed me (when I was the person in least need of micromanagement) and generally put me down at any available opportunity. Luckily, she was fired after 2 years of hell.
Coordinator: Decided in November that MF and I were too big for our britches (for no reason). Decides to start badmouthing us around town. I still cannot fathom how this came about. When she completely drops the ball the week of our wedding (i.e. missing our wedding rehearsal, messing up practically everything) I call her on it. Instead she turns the tables and says that WE were a nightmare and we were lucky she didn't leave us high and dry...and everyone believes her. So, we are out a couple of thousand, and we're the bad guys. Nice.
The end result of this is just a huge big ball of anger in me. I feel that it is all so unfair. Even more unfair is that, the more you talk about it, the more people start to believe that YES, I am a bitch and deserve everything I get. I can only say so many times "I'm NICE, I'm a NICE person...I care about people and treat them with respect and try, every day to be fair and non-judgemental". But people are so apt to toss off my own defence, because face it, if you are defending yourself, you've been accused of something, right?
Rebuilding reputations is impossible. It just takes time. But my desire to defend myself is so strong when I've been wronged. But you just have to take it and shrug it off right? I just have to wait for people to believe me.
While I may not believe in psychics, however, I do believe in karma. So let's hope I have enough in the bank to last me through...
posted by Jennifer @ 3:34 p.m.
2 Comments:
At 8:12 p.m.,
Anonymous said…
Okay, Barlet - just take a deep breath, wish those people all the karmic revenge you can hope for and remember that you are JUSTIFIED in your anger, and therefore don't have to "get over it" as people are so apt to say. Screw them, and be angry, and when you start feeling less angry, take stock, regroup, and make 'em pay. LOL. I seem to have the same destiny as you, and constantly feel like I'm in a defensive position, and you are right - it's nearly impossible to defend yourself, so sometimes it's best just to say fuck it and screw the bastards. (Hope that doesn't offend you!)
Surely those people will screw up again and you will be vindicated - it always works out that way.
At 10:56 a.m.,
Jennifer said…
LOL you're my new hero Kimberly!! It's good (and a bit sad too) that there are people out there that are getting screwed over just as badly as I am...ah well, karma's a bitch!
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