Watched Raab and Amba’s wedding last night...

...and boy do I ever feel sorry now. I’ve been dancing around the subject in my mind for months now, ever since MB and I turned the corner and I started feeling much more secure with my decision to stay with him. Not only am I wondering if we will get married eventually, but I’m also wondering when. I don’t want to be an old bride/wife! What if it doesn’t happen? What then? How long do I wait? I don’t believe he would propose until he has cleared his debt, but that puts us at 2009! 2009!! I’ll be well into my 30’s by then.

Sidenote: After conversations with friends about his debt, I have decided to suck it up and help him pay it off. What sticks in my craw is that his debt was largely created through his divorce, and I’m the one paying for it. But suck it up I will…even though my contribution would be only half of what he currently pays, it would mean paying off the debt in November 2007, cutting off about a year from the repayments. But even if we are free and clear by 2007, that means I’d be engaged at over 30, IF (and only IF) he WANTS to get engaged. So, do I wait until 6 years after we began dating? How long is too long?

I promised I wouldn’t write another wedding post, but that show was hard to watch. Everything looked so perfect. Rob looked happy and content, Amber looked beautiful. I began to second guess everything…is MB really the guy for the rest of my life, would he do those things for me, would he love me that much? I don’t know, I don’t know. I pretend that all of this wedding stuff doesn’t matter, but it does, it so does! I want to get on with the next chapter of my life, to be a wife and have babies. I’m just so sad and uncertain right now.