...one person said to the other, extending their hand as if for the first time, although it most certainly was not. She wanted to begin afresh, and so she began.
"My name is Barlet. I'm 29 years old and live in Pickering Ontario. I spend much of my time worrying about my appearance, working too hard, and waxing philosophical. I have a lot of acquaintances, and hardly any good friends. I wanted to be a ballerina when I grew up, and when I did grow up I had grown too much (outwards). As a result I have a fantastic rack, but no ballet career. I don't believe in religion, but I am spiritual. My biggest peeve is when someone tells me I am wrong, but I am not. It makes me feel small and uneducated, even though I hold a Masters with Honours from the number 3 University in the UK. It plays upon how I feel about myself, deep down, and I dislike that too. I am in charge of all of the money, paper, bills, and scheduling for my "family" which is exhausting at times. My family consists of MH, my husband, and our two cats. I love my husband very much, and am very happy. While I am a happy person by nature, I am also very emotional and am prone to crying. This makes things awkward, especially during performance appraisal time at work. But I have gotten better. I am / was terminally shy, which people told me comes off as snotty and aloof. I am not snotty, nor aloof. I am scared of you. I don't know why that is, it just is. Over time, I have gotten better, but I still cannot look people in the eye when I enter somewhere like a work cafeteria. I don't know why. I stare straight ahead as if focused on my task. People used to tell me to smile a lot. Strangers in the street would tell me. I thought I'd look a bit bizarre walking around with a grin, so I do not smile, but I do turn the corners of my mouth up when I walk around, to prevent the appearance of unhappiness. Although I am happy. Ironic. People also used to say that I had the bluest eyes they've ever seen. They do not say that anymore. Typing that last sentence made me sad. I work for a large company, that publishes books. It is a great job, and while I am extremely happy, I also work damn hard. This puts a strain on my relationship with MH, especially recently, as he does not feel the same level of commitment to his own job. I love to scrapbook in my spare time, but I feel a lack of creativity sometimes. I feel as if I am a different person than the person I was at 16, at 18, at 21. This is a blessing and a curse. I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and think "what happened to the girl who used to write poetry?". I try and work out quite a bit, but it never really happens. Something always comes up. I love to eat. I am a good weight for my height, and I have always been a very healthy person in general, despite what I eat. If I could eat one food for the rest of my life, it would probably be a Big Mac. Or cake, because cake spans so many different varieties, I'd never get bored. The only bone I've ever broken wasn't really a bone, it was my nose. I've never been anorexic, depressed (to my knowledge), or have done anything detrimental to myself except eat Big Macs and drink to excess on occasion. I have smoked one cigarette (to prove a point to someone...the point was missed by that someone) and have never done drugs. I still have a teddy bear from my childhood that sits on my shelf, and I felt guilty that I bought one just like him in mint condition from eBay. I felt it insulted him. I sometimes think I'm mentally ill. I have a bad habit of "racing" cars going the opposite direction to the light poles in the middle of the highway. I don't accelerate, I just see who will get there first. It is a little too OCD for my liking. I have very few "things", certainly in comparison to others. There is very little that I "must" do, eat, see, touch, not do, not eat, not seem not touch, during my daily life. I cannot understand high maintenance people. I don't like having polish on my fingernails, although if I do, I stare at them all day. I then feel very grown up. I am terminally unfashionable, and wish I could just let loose and buy something fabulous, but I can't. I want lots of children, but I'm scared to start. I don't talk about huge life issues with MH. We had never spoken once about marriage until he got down on one knee. Perhaps we will not talk about children until I see the plus sign on a plastic stick. MH frustrates me at times, at I think he can be overly confident to the point of arrogance. But I say nothing because I know he is overcompensating. He is a very self conscious person, and has low self-esteem. I sometimes think I have low self esteem, but then I'll look at myself occasionally and say "Damn, I'm ridiculously good looking". The moment then passes. People find me attractive, which I think is hilarious. I miss my grandparents and wish I couldn't have known them better. I cry at their graves. I hope they are proud of me. My mother and I have come to an understanding, but she doesn't know it. I have decided that her life is hers, and I will no longer worry for her. I feel like a mother to her, which makes me sad. I have a problem with other women not liking me. The best explanation I have received of this was from good friends of mine, female and male. They say that other women are jealous of me because I have a great job, make great money, have a nice house, a handsome husband, and am pretty. I like that explanation, true or not. But it still hurts when women turn on me, for no reason. There seems to be a contest as to who can bring me down, and while no one has won yet, they are trying very hard. I have lots of very good friends from my childhood and we are still very much in touch, even though we don't see each other very often. I miss them. I don't understand why I haven't met anyone as a friend (except MH) who likes me for who I am. I think I am a nice person, and I like myself. I am very kind to animals, and I appreciate all life. I have a complete intolerance for racism, sexism, creedism, and jerks. I especially find it horrible that people cannot tolerate gay people. Shouldn't we all just let love happen? I swear a lot, and people find that amusing. I find myself amusing, in a good and bad way. I laugh at myself a lot, but sometimes I laugh at my own jokes, which I suppose is a little immodest. I am immodest. Externally I act nonchalant about praise, but inside I am much more confident about my abilities. I do not speak any other languages except English, although I studied French and Spanish. I went to a private school, which I hated. I have posed naked, and acted on stage topless. I have taken stripper lessons and loved it. I often think it would be easy to streak a ballgame, strip on stage, or walk down the street naked, but since I've never done any of it, it is obviously not easy for me. I have an overly developed sense of law and justice. I must have fairness is all that is around me, and despise unfairness. I believe fully in karma, and have stored up much in the Buddha bank. I am extremely law abiding. I have two passports, but one is expired. I went through a phase as a teenager where I loved fish, and have many, many fish related items. I have one tattoo on my ankle of a starfish, which I love even 5 years later. I would like another at some point. I fear that my marriage to MH won't last, but then I am newly committed to making it work. I drive an SUV which work pays for, but I pay the taxes on it. I love it, which makes me feel eco-guilty. My favourite holiday is Christmas, and season is Fall. I would love to be Martha Stewart. I've always wanted to see Japan, and live near the ocean. My favourite place I've visited was Assateague Island, where I watched wild horses run on the beach. My least favourite place is either Blackpool or my ex's apartment. I've cheated numerous times on my boyfriends, but never on my MH. The worst thing I ever did was carry on two serious relationships simultaneously. I never felt guilty, which makes me feel guilty. I had a strange preoccupation with Disney when I was a young teenager, especially Alice in Wonderland. I collect Alice books, and still look out for them when I go to antique markets. I lost my virginity at 16 to a boyfriend of 6 months. I cried afterwards because I realized you could never go back. I have a scar on my chin where I put my teeth through after falling off my chair. I have lots of small chicken pox scars on my body, and white scars on my ankles from a flea infestation we had in the house when I was a child. I listen to the news voraciously. I hate speaking on the phone and prefer the medium of email. I watch way too much TV, and have since I was a little girl. I’m just not that into sex, and don’t know why. My most prized possession is a picture that was given to me by an ex. The only unfortunate thing about it is that it was given to me by an ex. I hope one day to go to Japan, and I really hope I get a culture shock. I am ashamed of the world sometimes and want to kick its butt. But I must start with my own. I worry about getting breast cancer, and I worry about how long I have with my parents. I am the oldest of five children, and that’s ok with me, even though I always wanted an older brother to take care of me. I’ve always wanted to marry someone with a last name that you can shorten to one letter, like on television. I’ve always wanted to be “Mrs. P”, but it didn’t work out. My maiden name is very rare, and there are only a few of us worldwide. I love my family, but sometimes I don’t like them very much. I think I missed out of much when I was a child, compared to one of my siblings. Life has been a comfortable struggle for me. I’m quite smart, although I was an average student. I love to write and wish I’d get my act together and write what I need to put down. I sometimes wonder where all of my beloved possessions from childhood went…are they in a dump, decomposing somewhere? Do they realize how much I loved those things? I often wonder where my ex’s are now, and secretly wish they are thinking of me too. I’ve said “I love you” to many boyfriends, but I didn’t know what the words meant. I know someone who has a crush on me, but never admitted it. I contribute to a few chat boards, and like being heard. I would have liked to go into politics but there is too much dirt on me. I dance really well for an amateur. I am my family’s glue. That last statement probably isn’t true. I aspire to greatness. I am still convinced I’ll win something one day. I am a good person”
Pleased to meet you.
