Donkey Kontroversy

I like video games. Mucho. I have, well, how would an intervention term it...an "issue", with video games. That's why I'm not allowed to play video games. They ruin my life.

I can recall almost every single game I used to play. The love affair started with Pong, which one of the rich kids in my primary school used to bring to the "Last Day of School" party and we'd sit and fight over the controller. And this was 1985, Pong was past it even then. Uncool kids played Pong. Everyone else was playing Pac Man and Space Invaders but not me...I was addicted to those tiny "spank me" paddles.

We weren't well off enough to have a system at home, so I used to love going to the local swimming pool because they had those wicked table top games that you could just plunk the money into. Gorgeous stuff. I used to love going over to my friend K's house...I mean, loved the girl, but loved her Commodore 64 more. We'd play endless games, including one set at the seaside and involving a donkey. I have no idea what that one was called but man was it ever cool. The rewinding of the tapes and loading of the games didn't bother me, we'd just grab a snack and listen to the whir. Loved that Chuckie Egg!

Blessed was the day when I came home from my school computer class and told my Mum that school was selling off old BBC Micro's, and god love her, she said we could have one for 100 pounds. I had been learning how to "program" games onto it (I put "program" in quotes because it was really nothing of the sort. That was the programing where you go from line 10, to 20, to 30 etc) and I had learnt how to make mulitcoloured triangles flash on and off the screen. Totally addicted. The Micro had a green screen and had multiple Easter Eggs programmed in...you could get a poem by Roger Gough to appear randomly. I remember a couple of the lines "You hand me an olive branch" and "You cry crocodile tears". This was the coolest thing I had ever experienced. My favourite game was one called Elite, which to this day I still have no idea how to play. Your character was a starship trader, and all I did was go round and round in circles until I accidently got into a dogfight and was killed. Awesome.

We upgraded to an Archimedes shortly afterwards, which was the shiznat. The supreme of cool. However, we couldn't do anything with it, so I spent countless hours designing filing systems for files which did not yet exist. I believe I was about 13. I learnt how to use the draw program and would design houses.

The real bomb dropped when we got a Nintendo. I almost wept. We got a game where all you did was beat the crap out of each other (waaaay before Streetfighter or Mortal Kombat...ah, just get me started on THOSE!), I think it was called, appropriately, "Punch Out". Literally, the screen didn't move, you just kept on thwacking each other. Completely "da-bomb". We saved up enough to get Mario and then my world just exploded into video game heaven. Games that followed included E-Type (wicked in the extreme) and one with a motorcyle. We had entered a true golden age with the NES, the SNES and the gameboy, (one word for Bart vs. Camp Krusty...awesome), and I fell in love with Duck Hunt, Micro Machines, Bubble Bobble, Streetfighter, Mario Kart, Double Dragon, Hunt for Red October (uber-awesome), The Addams Family, Cal Ripkin's Baseball, Duck Tales, and Castlevania. I get confused as to what system supported what game, but it was pure wicked in cassette form.

I remember getting a personal computer from my Dad for University, a Compaq that was anything but. It was one of those all-in-one monstrosities, way before Mac made it look cool. The thing was a block of a computer and I loved it. I remember being asked if I wanted it to come with something called a "CD-ROM" drive. I said what the heck...I mean, I had never seen a CD-ROM before, but they assured me it was the next big thing and I believed them. More and more games came onto the PC market, moving from disk to CD. My favourite game of all time was Sam and Max, followed by the Day of the Tentacle and all of the Monkey Island series. I even had Sim City, which was just terrific. I also picked up games called the 13th Hour and the 7th Sense or something...horror puzzle games that would scare the beejesus out of me if I played alone in the dark. Fun times.

So, that's where it all began. On a whim one day, I decided to order an N64 off ebay, you know, relive the glory days and such for kicks. Big mistake. For the entire last summer and most of the fall, I was hooked to the thing like an IV...could...not...stop...playing. Eventually I hid it in a cupboard for my own good and went cold turkey, tried to go outside and refuel on the vitamin D I'd been missing out on.

Which brings us to this Saturday. Browsing the Blockbuster, they were selling off some old N64 games. And there it was...Donkey Kong. I had to have it. MF loved the game too, so off we went. $10 poorer, but oh so rich in other ways. And then I ruined the weekend. There it was, gorgeous and sunny at 28 degrees and I was inside playing a stupid game. Could...not...stop. MF blamed me for ruining the weekend and we had a huge fight...why oh why did I have to have that sweet gameplay? Why do I always cave?? Don't they know it ruins lives??!!

So the game, freshly bought, still with the price tag on it, is now hidden in the cupboard. Not to resurface until a rainy day (literally). That 64 bit machine is such a cruel mistress, and I remain her slave.