Happiness, happening?
For those who know me, you are aware of what I have been through over the past 12 months. For those who don't...well, now is the time to spill. In July of last year, MB and I encountered the biggest challenge of our relationship, which we grimly refer to as "The Incident". If any of you know what Ashley Madison is, all I need to say is that I found MB was on it, actively looking, with a photo of us on our holiday to advertise himself (but with me whited out, of course).
I was thrown into a total tailspin. I moved out, back in with my father and step-mother. Oh, that wasn't awkward at all. Being the father-type he is, the consolation I received was heartfelt but limited. Mummy-moo was 2500 miles away. I had no boyfriend, no savings, nowhere to live, a job I hated, and a suitcase full of clothes. I left my cats, my things, my whole life behind. There is nothing, no words, to describe how I felt right at that moment. "Broken" is the only word that even comes close to summing it all up.
I scoured rental ads, cheap condos in bad areas of town, planned to buy a car (but with what?) and then there was the day after day after day that followed where I had to work with MB. Be civil. Smile. Don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry. Do your job. Don't let anyone know.
And at night came the soul-sucking downs where I doubted myself, my attractiveness, my body, my face, my personality, and the constant question of "why?". What had I done? I didn't know, and he couldn't tell me. The phone calls started up, after the initial period of self-enforced no contact. I wanted to know everything, EVERYTHING. Did he actually progress to the point where he had an affair. The answer was no. Did I have to get tested for anything. I felt sick to my stomach, but he said no. I didn't believe him, nor should I. He had lied, why would I believe a liar? Nothing he said made it better. He told me he was stupid, he was bored at work, it meant nothing, he never met anyone in person, just the raunchy emails back and forth. Photos. I felt sick.
The next stage was the counseling. I threw myself into therapy with a vengeance (paid for by work, thank god). It made me feel worse. I don't know how anyone manages to do it, to be honest. She asked that I read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I laughed. It turned out to be the best thing I have ever done.
The phone calls continued. He sobbed, screamed, begged, pleaded with me to come back. I'd never seen him cry before. We talked and I was understanding to a point. He still didn't know why did it. I demanded he go to counseling. He accepted, which I found very strange. I demanded joint counseling too. He refused, which I found very strange. Eventually we went, and the counselor took a firm stance with me. I couldn't look at him. We changed counselors because of the bias (which, while I found her bias comforting to me, I understood how it wouldn't work in this situation). We talked, we cried. Issues were raised "pre Incident" that I wasn't aware of. We both did so many things wrong. So wrong. It had only been a matter of time before something of this magnitude happened to us.
The big alarm clock of the soul. Wake up.
I moved back after 6 weeks. We talked and we talked. We kept going to counseling, and I made peace with my decision. The aftermath was horrible. Everyone who I had told thought I was insane, and I lost friends. My mother and my father both knew what had happened, how were they going to be able to sit in the same room with him when they knew what he had done to me? The first few weeks, I'd wake up and not even be able to look at him. I hated him, what he had done to me and to my life.
Today, I woke up and thought (not for the first time) that it was the best thing that ever happened to us. I'm not kidding. We are closer, more open, more understanding of each others feelings. The trust has been slow to return though, I still don't trust him with my whole heart, but the difference now is that I know this will come, just as the counselor said, over time.
It will be our three year anniversary in June, and will be almost 1 year at that point since "the incident". We have healed and are looking forward to our future. It is truly happiness, happening. He has made those tiny, awkward, trying-to-be-subtle conversation points about marriage..."Your parents were married in summer right? What season would you want to be married in?", "Oh, look at that ring in the window, do you think it's nice?". And I'm ready.
If you told me a year ago that this would happen, I would have said that there would be no way that we could recover. Now I realize the depth of my heart, the value of his love, and the strength of my soul. No matter what happens in the future, I know I can cope. Now and forever. For better or for worse.
I was thrown into a total tailspin. I moved out, back in with my father and step-mother. Oh, that wasn't awkward at all. Being the father-type he is, the consolation I received was heartfelt but limited. Mummy-moo was 2500 miles away. I had no boyfriend, no savings, nowhere to live, a job I hated, and a suitcase full of clothes. I left my cats, my things, my whole life behind. There is nothing, no words, to describe how I felt right at that moment. "Broken" is the only word that even comes close to summing it all up.
I scoured rental ads, cheap condos in bad areas of town, planned to buy a car (but with what?) and then there was the day after day after day that followed where I had to work with MB. Be civil. Smile. Don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry. Do your job. Don't let anyone know.
And at night came the soul-sucking downs where I doubted myself, my attractiveness, my body, my face, my personality, and the constant question of "why?". What had I done? I didn't know, and he couldn't tell me. The phone calls started up, after the initial period of self-enforced no contact. I wanted to know everything, EVERYTHING. Did he actually progress to the point where he had an affair. The answer was no. Did I have to get tested for anything. I felt sick to my stomach, but he said no. I didn't believe him, nor should I. He had lied, why would I believe a liar? Nothing he said made it better. He told me he was stupid, he was bored at work, it meant nothing, he never met anyone in person, just the raunchy emails back and forth. Photos. I felt sick.
The next stage was the counseling. I threw myself into therapy with a vengeance (paid for by work, thank god). It made me feel worse. I don't know how anyone manages to do it, to be honest. She asked that I read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I laughed. It turned out to be the best thing I have ever done.
The phone calls continued. He sobbed, screamed, begged, pleaded with me to come back. I'd never seen him cry before. We talked and I was understanding to a point. He still didn't know why did it. I demanded he go to counseling. He accepted, which I found very strange. I demanded joint counseling too. He refused, which I found very strange. Eventually we went, and the counselor took a firm stance with me. I couldn't look at him. We changed counselors because of the bias (which, while I found her bias comforting to me, I understood how it wouldn't work in this situation). We talked, we cried. Issues were raised "pre Incident" that I wasn't aware of. We both did so many things wrong. So wrong. It had only been a matter of time before something of this magnitude happened to us.
The big alarm clock of the soul. Wake up.
I moved back after 6 weeks. We talked and we talked. We kept going to counseling, and I made peace with my decision. The aftermath was horrible. Everyone who I had told thought I was insane, and I lost friends. My mother and my father both knew what had happened, how were they going to be able to sit in the same room with him when they knew what he had done to me? The first few weeks, I'd wake up and not even be able to look at him. I hated him, what he had done to me and to my life.
Today, I woke up and thought (not for the first time) that it was the best thing that ever happened to us. I'm not kidding. We are closer, more open, more understanding of each others feelings. The trust has been slow to return though, I still don't trust him with my whole heart, but the difference now is that I know this will come, just as the counselor said, over time.
It will be our three year anniversary in June, and will be almost 1 year at that point since "the incident". We have healed and are looking forward to our future. It is truly happiness, happening. He has made those tiny, awkward, trying-to-be-subtle conversation points about marriage..."Your parents were married in summer right? What season would you want to be married in?", "Oh, look at that ring in the window, do you think it's nice?". And I'm ready.
If you told me a year ago that this would happen, I would have said that there would be no way that we could recover. Now I realize the depth of my heart, the value of his love, and the strength of my soul. No matter what happens in the future, I know I can cope. Now and forever. For better or for worse.
posted by Jennifer @ 12:23 a.m.
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